In God's Hands

I was the one who kept asking Tom when he was going to propose. I was ready. I knew we were going to be together, it had been 3 years, etc etc. Once he did propose I was the one who got cold feet. I spent countless nights wondering if I was doing the right thing in getting married. I'm not good with huge life changing decisions. Even on my wedding day (!) I didn't know if I was doing the right thing.

Good thing that passed and I am 100% comfortable and I'm so glad I went through with it and I married him. But it seems the same thing is happening with the baby situation. We always talked about "when we have kids..." and it was always me who brought it up. I wanted to stop birth control right after the wedding...that is until it was actually time and I decided I needed a few more months and refilled my prescription. ha!

I've noticed Tom talking about babies/kids a lot recently. A LOT. He brings it up multiple times a day. He's now more excited than I am. Don't get me wrong, this is GREAT. Not all guys are so excited to be a dad. But it made me feel bad because I'm still not sure if I want to be a mom. And aren't women supposed to have a "baby gene" that makes them love all babies and just KNOW that they want one? I don't have one I guess...

So anyway on my birthday after a few drinks we started talking about the baby thing again. I only had a week of pills left and I was starting to freak out and I wanted to refill them for another 3 months. Tom told me that we just need to go for it. He told me we will never be ready. Then he asked why I don't think I'm ready. I told him I don't know how to be a mom. I don't like most kids. I don't have a mommy gene. I don't think I will make a good mom. I don't want a crummy kid. (hello serial killers were babies at one time, too!--am I the only crazy one who worries about having a serial killer child?!?!)I don't have a very good family. Neither does Tom. We don't really know what a good, loving family should be. We had bad childhoods. We both have some siblings we don't get along with. I'm just worried we won't have a happy family. And we ARE a happy family now, just the two of us. There is no guarantee what will happen once we have a baby. 

I got to "practice" being married before I was married. I got to date lots of men to find the one I liked the best. Tom & I even lived together before we were married. I got a practice run to make sure everything went smoothly. I found out I could handle it. With a baby, there is NO going back. I don't get a practice run. There is no backing out. This is for LIFE. This will sound bad, but nothing else is as permanent as a baby. Not even marriage. If I don't like being a mother, or I'm a bad mother, well...that's too bad. 

These are all the worst situations possible, obviously. I know once I have my own baby I will love it and I something will click and I will know how to be a mom. logically, I know this. But I'm scared. This is a HUGE step. Much bigger than buying a house and getting married. 

Thankfully Tom told me that I can't let our past hold us back. We both want a couple children and we are as ready as we ever will be. He told me to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and look at all the good that can come of it. And the thing that really stuck with me is when he said, "I want you to throw away your pills and I want to start trying now. I really want a little kid to call me dad. I can't wait!"

ohmygoshpullatmyheartstrings! so sweet! I realized I'm being silly. Yes I'm scared. But I need to jump in and just do it. And really, how can I say no after he says something so sweet? (Don't tell him I just told the entire world his little confession! ha!)

So I did just that. I threw away the pills. I didn't refill them. We are officially trying for a little baby G. It's in God's hands now. If we will make good parents, we will get pregnant. If I can handle it, it will happen.