Tuesday, November 25, 2008


It's almost Thanksgiving. That means lots of food and lots of family. Neither one of those things are good for my diet! But I've decided to really enjoy this holiday this year. And I will be thankful for everything good in my life. I have a roof over my head. I have a bf who loves me. I have three fur-babies I love. I've lost 26 pounds. I have a job with no sign of lay-offs in this crazy economy. And lastly, I have my health.

I work with a woman who was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. After chemo and radiation, the tumor hasn't shrunk at all, and now it looks like it is spreading to her lungs. She is single, and lives her life for her dog. Her dog recently had puppies, which was one of the highlights of her life. Unfortunately, do this recent news, she was unable to care for the puppies and had to give them to her friend to raise. In her time of greatest need, she can't even have her dog with her. It broke my heart.

This woman is so strong. I can't believe how well she is holding up. If I were in her shoes, well, I really don't know what I would do. I've never been told I only have a few months to live. So I can't even imagine what she's going through. She is handling it very well. She does say she is scared, but who wouldn't be?! She even comes to work 2 days a week. In her darkest hour, she is still working. She craves a sense of normalcy. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be working. But she says she wants to live as "normal" as possible.

When I think my life is bad, I will always look up to this woman. I will be thankful for everything I have in my life. She has touched me forever. I hope the rest of her life is full of peace and happiness.

I just wish it didn't take cancer to open my eyes to how lucky I actually am...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Stupid Friends

I think my boyfriend's best friend is a total idiot.

He is 30 years old and acts 15, tops. But being the amazing girlfriend I am (Haha) I put up with him. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Pretend to like your SO's friends because they are important to him and blah blah. So I ignore it when he comes to MY home and finds it hilarious to fart and stink the place up. I also ignore it when makes inappropriate comments about attractive women. And I will pretend I don't notice when he helps himself to anything in the fridge. (Which includes 6 or 7 beers every time he comes over. Does he ever bring any?! Nope.)

Whatever. I have bigger problems than this guy so I let it roll off my back.

However, this is where the story changes.

About a month ago, This friend, "K" called the bf on Saturday night. He asked what we were doing for the football game the following day. We said we were staying home and doing nothing. The bf asked K if he was planning on coming over to watch the game. K said, "no."

So we go on about our night, and I decide not the worry about cleaning since nobody was coming over the following day, I figured I would worry about it tomorrow.

It's now Sunday at 11:45am. The game starts in 15 mins. K calls and asks if he can come over and watch the game. I said no. I wasn't showered yet, the house wasn't clean, and I only had 15 mins to accomplish all of this?! I'm not Superwoman. (And no, I'm not someone who enjoys friends "popping by" unannounced. I like my home in proper order before someone comes over, even if that means a quick vacuum.) And besides, if he wanted to come over, he should have said so on Saturday night when the bf asked him. Or at the very least, call and give me an hour notice or SOMETHING so I could have taken a shower and gotten dressed.

This was the first time I said no to K coming over, mind you.

Apparently, this royally pissed off K. He called one of our mutual friends and told her that I don't like him and don't want him at my house and I never want the bf hanging out with him ever again.

Hold on, what?! I NEVER said any of that!!! I think I'm allowed to say "no company" every now and then, right? So to make a VERY long story short, K got all bent out of shape, told our other friends a load of bulls*it and got them mad at me as well. OVER NOTHING. The bf called K and "set him straight" and also told the other friends that I didn't do any of what K is claiming. Did it matter? Nope. Not one of these people have spoken to me since then. (Except for one IM saying, "D, I can't believe you are trying to break up their friendship! How dare you!"

Obviously. the bf and K are still friends. They are together right now, at K's place. In one way, I'm glad I don't have to put up with K anymore. But on the other hand, there was a group of 6 of us (3 couples) who ALWAYS hung out together. And now we can't because K got his feelings hurt and made up LIES. And this is causing major tension in my relationship. The bf just wants K and I to get along, and get over it. I don't think I should have to. If I don't want someone like that in my life, I shouldn't have to "pretend" to like him anymore! Only problem is, he's still the bf's best friend. And oh yeah, K and his gf live in the same apartment complex as us!

I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders how the bf could possibly WANT to be friend's with someone like that. And I want to make him choose, K or me. But obviously I'm mature enough to know that isn't possible and you have to compromise when you're in a relationship.

In times like this, I wish I were single.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

155, Check!

Way back in January, I told myself that I would be 155 lbs by 12/25. Well, the scale has read 155.1 for the past two days now. So I made my goal, and a month early to boot. I thought I would have been happier when I reached this weight. I don't really feel any different. I have a pair of size 10 pants I need to fit into, and I'm not there yet. I'm hoping I can fit into them when I lose the next 5 pounds. I'm sure that will feel way better than hitting 155 on the scale.

I went to Target today to buy the 30 day shred DVD and they were sold out. So I guess I'll look around or just order it off Amazon. I've heard it's a tough workout, and I need something to kick my butt to get the rest of this weight off.

I'm watching the biggest loser right now. They lose 7-8 pounds a WEEK and it's taken me this long to lose 25 pounds! It makes me feel frustrated. Granted, I don't have a personal chef nor do I have 7 hours a day to workout. But still, I want to be done losing weight and move on to maintaining it!!

Oh, and I learned that a baby red potato has 110 calories in ONE of them! That's insane! They are so little! Oh well, they are pretty filling. But damn! They are really calorie dense! I gues you really do learn something new every day!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Prince Charming

My "prince charming" at the moment happens to be a 27 year old balding guy. Oh yeah, and he's shorter than I am. Generally I've always dated really tall guys. Well over 6 feet. But when I met the bf he was funny and had a good personality so I gave him a shot.

We were both pretty fresh from huge break-ups when we met. (No, it wan't a "rebound" we had both casually dated others since the breakups before we got together.) Anyway, I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship. I was still pretty heartbroken over my ex. I really loved him. I would have done anything to please him. Anything. The problem was (and I realize this now) is that he wanted to change me. (Isn't it usually the other way around, a woman trying to change a man?!) Either way, He didn't like my school choice (I was doing veterinary technology at the time) He didn't like me career (I was working at a nursing home) and he didn't like that I'm not very "graceful." You see, the ex worked at a snobby country club. He was the assistant golf pro. So basically, he spent all day teaching rich housewives how to play golf. And he had an image to uphold. And I guess I wasn't good enough for him.

But it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, he was still in college. We would spend all Sunday exploring little resturants and shops. We would stay up all night talking to each other-- We couldn't get enough of each other! We had the same sense of humor, we were always laughing at something. The sex was amazing, everything was amazing. I fell and I fell HARD. He would write me an e-mail every day telling me what he loved about me and how much he loved me. I was so incredibly happy. I had never been that happy in my entire life. Then somewhere along the line, something went wrong. To this day I still don't know what. But his ex gf came back into town, with a fancy degree from New York and I was replaced. Granted, we still LIVED TOGETHER at this point. Nice, right? And my heart shattered.

Now I'm with the current bf and I am happy. I really am. He is a good guy. But I always feel a little...off... because we don't "click" like the ex and I did. Sure, we get along fine, he is funny, he treats me well and is always there when I need him. But deep down, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think I may have gave my ex more of my heart than I'm giving the current bf. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've been hurt so bad before, or if the current bf isn't as good of a match for me.

So, obviously the great relationship I had with the ex crashed and burned and I got screwed. So even though things were amazing for the first couple years, things didn't stay that way. So should I really care if the current bf doesn't make my heart pound as hard as the ex did? I mean, the bf will make a good husband, and father. He has a good stable job, and he honestly does love me. Shouldn't that be enough? Can't we be happy anyway? I think so. However, I don't want to wake up when I'm 70 and realize there was someone else out there for me that WOULD make my heart pound AND not screw me over. Right now, I don't think I can have both...but can I?

The bf and I have been talking marriage for awhile. And I do think we could have a good marriage. We will have a couple kids, and be happy. But there is still a part of me deep down that wonders, "Is that enough?!" I sure hope so. (I do love him. Really.) I've seen so many women in my life get screwed by men, so when it happened to me, I was drawn to the current bf because he was safe.

And the sad thing is...the current bf was with his ex fiancee for 6 years. And sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way about me & her as I do with him & my ex...

Are we just each other's 2nd best? Is he really my prince charming?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Like a virgin

Yes, it's true. This is my first blog EVER! *gasp* It seems everyone and their mother has a blog by now...except me. Don't get me wrong, I love reading blogs. But I feel so naked writing one of my own. But hell, it's cheaper than therapy, right? So I thought, "Why not?!"

I'm 23 years old and have been through a lot of crap so far. I don't know my dad, never have. I've only recently begun talking to my mom after years of us not getting along, and our relationshp is still strained to say the least. I have three 1/2 siblings. (2 sisters, 1 brother, all younger.) I have 3 cats, and I want a puppy but I SWEAR I'm not crazy. :) I hate my job and I live with my boyfriend of Two & half years. I love good coffee, photography, and IKEA. There. That about sums me up.

I've been trying to lose weight. (Who hasn't been, right?!) I promised myself on Christmas of 07 that by Christmas 08 I would be 25 pounds thinner. Well, it's November 14th and I'm down 24 pounds. So obviously I feel pretty good that I will meet my goal. I would like to be down 30 pounds if I can make it. I'm really sick of "losing weight." It's constantly on my mind. I'm so sick of feeling so f-ing guilty for eating a damn doughnut I could scream! But I have no choice but to keep plugging along. I'll get there eventually...

My life is so far from what I pictured it would be at 23. I still feel like I have no clue who I am as a person. I really hope I can figure that out sooner rather than later!