Friday, January 30, 2009


I filed my taxes today. I get a whopping $432 back. Good to know my hard earned money is going to pay the welfare for crack-whores and babies who have idiots for parents. (Instead of, you know, healthcare and education?!)

I know of one such person. She has 4 different children all with different dads. Oh yeah, she's only 25!! Anyway, she commented on my sister's Facebook page and asked her, and I QUOTE, "Can u do my taxes for me? and get all my reductions so i can get lots of money back? I wanna go shoppin."

WTF. Maybe you should buy your babies some clothes? Food? NO?

THEN GET YOUR DAMN TUBES TIED! (Or at least know that it is a tax deduction, sweetheart!)

I know another girl who couldn't pay her daycare for 2 months, and is ALWAYS behind on her bills. Where is her 5k tax return going? On a vacation to Vegas.


And then there's me. I have no children out of wedlock. I am not on welfare. And I get $432 to put into my emergency savings. Oh yeah, after I buy two new tires which my car needs. Damn responsibilities!!!

I was IM'ing with my brother. He is starting a new school on Monday. I really hope he likes it there. He needs to make friends. He needs to build his future. And he needs to be happy and stay alive more than anything.

At the end of the conversation he told me he loved me.

I feel like I can do anything right now, I'm so happy. I needed to hear (read) that. So I'm off to the gym, and happy about it for once!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Life as I see it...

Well, I guess life is back to "normal" around here. Ha.

My brother was in the hospital for a few days after his "incident." He came home after a few counseling sessions and said he was better. Nobody really believes him, but the doctors released him and we can't force him into therapy. I've talked to him a couple times this week and he does seem back to normal...but I won't believe it. This was the 3rd time within one year. I'm so tired of going to bed every night and wondering if I will get a call at 3am that my brother is gone for good. I can't deal with this anymore. He refuses to get help, he won't talk to any of us. There is nothing I can do. And that is really hard to swallow...

In other news, I bought a heart rate monitor, because I am a fat cow, and I hope it will help me push myself harder when I'm working out. Except getting in a great workout won't help me with the whole fat cow thing...I need to get my eating under control. The past week I've been averaging 1800 calories a day. Which isn't enough to make me gain any weight (I burn around 2100-2200 calories a day) but I'm not losing any weight either. I'm just so sick of being on a "diet." I can do 1800 calories, no problem. But I just can't seem to stick to 1300 calories anymore! I'm tired and hungry!!

I don't want to make excuses for myself. I know I can do this...I'm just having a REALLY hard time getting back on the wagon again. At least I've been keeping my weight the same, and I haven't been gaining any back. I wish I had someone doing this with me. The bf can eat and eat and LOSE weight. He does NOT all. I wish a had a "buddy" IRL to help motivate me. *sigh*

Speaking of people trying to lose weight...I know this guy, we'll call him Fester. (Not his real name, thankfully!) Anyway, Fester used to work with my bf. We've hung out a few times and had a good time. There was/is some chemistry between us. But it's not like either of us would act on it. For one, he is friends with my bf. And two, even though there is some chemistry, I think we both know we would NOT work as an actual couple. So on Friday night we chatted on Facebook and he said that he was the DD for a few girls and wondered if I wanted to go with.

So I went out with him since I may be a little depressed right now and I wanted to get out of the house. We picked everyone up and went to a little bar and enjoyed a nice night out. The people were really nice. I wouldn't mind hanging out with them again.

I didn't get home until 4am. And my bf was royally pissed. And that made me happy. You see, he has NEVER been jealous before. And if he has, well, I've never seen it. It was nice to know that he actually cares about me and got a little jealous when I went out with someone else.

Getting back to the losing weight thing, Fester is trying to lose some weight/tone up. And I wish we could join a gym together or something. But I feel weird bringing it up, and I don't think my bf would like me spending an hour with this guy EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Oh well.


I can't shake this funk I'm in. It sucks. I'm even thinking about trying St. John's Wort because I've heard it can help improve mild depression symptoms. (And I don't want to go on an actual anti-depressant...) But I don't know of anyone who's ever taken it before? (Case in point, it's 6:40pm right now and I am so tired I want to go to bed and sleep. I just want to feel normal again...)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I got this interview from Elizabeth here.

The Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Questions:

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

A tiger. I would be lean, I could run fast, and tons of animals would be scared of me. Not to mention, I would be very pretty. :)

What is your favorite thing to do when you have absolutely nothing to do?

Eat? Haha... I also like to read, take bubble baths and watch horrible reality TV.

What would the title of your biography be?

I wouldn't want to name it yet. It would say something like "broken & confused." I would like to hope that 10 or 20 years from now it would have a fabulous & witty title instead! We'll wait and see!

What celebrity, icon, political figure (living or dead) would you most want to have dinner with?

President Obama (how fitting, considering he got sworn in today!)

You're at a dinner with all your former lovers as the guest of honor. What do you toast to?

Oh wow! How awkward! I guess I would toast to great sex! All of the men in my past, even the ones who screwed me over, helped build my sexual confidence. And that's something I thankful for and damn proud of! ;)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Round 2

I just found this blog post from my youngest sister... She was writing to our brother... It broke my heart...

wtf is wrong with you?! you feel unwanted and unloved? look again boy, you have a family that cares so fcking much about you and you go and do this kind of sht?! this is your third time putting ppl who are closest to you and care about so much through hell again! why dont you understand that this isnt your time to leave.. not yet. your only fcking 17 yrs old! you have your entire life ahead of you! fck cc! she aint worth it. shes a worthless peice of trash or only brought our family drama. I blame myself for introducing her to you. If you didnt meet her then you'd probablly be happy and not doing this kind of sht. seriously, open up to someone! It helps to get all of this off your chest and just vent! Your not unwanted kid! You have your family, friends, and your pup who loves you more then the world! why dont you understand?! What do we have to do to make you see that its not worth killing yourself over? huh? tell me.. tell us what we can do to keep you alive! You dont relieze how fcking depressed i get when you do this or when I think about you doing this?! Patrick, it tares me apart and i cant think right! your suppose to be my big brother and be there for me, like I am for you. This sunday, I was going to pay for both of us to go sledding at young life. do you know how much fun that would have been?! doing something together.. It would have made my day cause we would actually be getting along again. If you left this world, Im not sure what I would do. I wouldnt care about life anymore.. I couldnt get the energy or motavation for anything. plz, im begging you, dont do this!! you can make better choices!

Doesn't he see what he is doing to our family?!?!


So today started out pretty good. It was a normal Friday at work. The weather is finally above zero. (It's only 2 degrees, but that's way better than -30!) I met a friend of mine for dinner/drinks after work. We had some good food and some good girl talk. I was excited about the bf's work party tomorrow. I have an awesome dress and heels all ready to go.

I got home and changed into my gym clothes so I could go to the gym. I decided to pop on Facebook before I left. (I'll admit, I like to Facebook stalk.) I was looking at the status updates and saw one from my brother.

Patrick *last name* says Goodbye.

WTF! This pisses me off. Has he not put my God damn family through enough already?! So I call my mom right away and it turns out she already called the cops because she noticed him missing about an hour ago.

Not again...please, not again!

I tell my bf what is going on. Then he gets the bright idea that he should go upstairs to a friend's apartment for some drinks. Um, WHAT!? I told him he should stay with me since, ya know, my suicidal brother ran away AGAIN and posted a F*cking goodbye message and all!

He said, "There is no sense waiting around. I might as well go hang out with Kev. Call me when you hear something."

Obviously the fact that I, HIS GIRLFRIEND, is worried sick and am going through a family emergency isn't important to him. F*ck him.

It's now 4 hours later. My brother went home on his own. He said he was out "for a walk" and forgot his phone. LIAR! Apparently my mom had a panic attack when she saw him walk in the door. My sister called the cops and told them my brother came home, but she needed an ambulance because my mom couldn't breathe.

That's f*cking awesome...

The cops took my brother. Not that it matters, he will be out of the hospital soon enough. The paramedics calmed my mom down. My sister will drive her to the hospital where my brother is soon. The worst part? I'm 3 hours away and can't do a damn thing.

And my good-for-nothing boyfriend is STILL at his friend's house. Not a call or anything to check on the situation. Gee, I love you too, bastard!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Global Warming

Dear Global Warming,

I think you missed Minnesota. We are used to the cold and snow. We go through it every year. It's the main topic of conversation every winter. It's my theory that people in Minnesota bitch about the cold, but we secretly love it. It makes us stronger than the rest of the country. (Suck it Cali, we can survive below zero temperatures!) Give us a temperature of 10 degrees? Psh, that's nothing! But this negative 34 degree crap? (BEFORE the windchill, thankyouverymuch!) I've had enough. It's probably impossible for anyone to even imagine what negative 34 feels like (unless of course, you are crazy-aka stupid- enough to live here!) A human will freeze in 10 minutes. I know it's true. The radio told me so. In any case, I would appreciate if you warmed the hell up now. K, thanks.


In case you were wondering, it will never get too cold to snow. WCCO said so.

Finally, a question for the weather man: Is it ever really too cold to snow?

"No," said meteorologist Chris Shaffer, "but that is the common thought. It's not true."

Shaffer said the absolute limit for snow is actually absolute zero, which is about 459 degrees below zero -- more than 400 degrees colder than anything we'll ever experience.

*This is an actual picture of the thermometer at the local news station.*

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

First Kiss

I'm brand new to the 20SB community. I just wanted to find some cool new blogs to read. But today I came across this.

So here it is, the story about my first kiss. Hold onto your seats!

I was 14 and was dating Ryan. We had 1st period together which happened to be orchestra class. We had a concert coming up, and we were holding class in the auditorium that day to do a practice run-through. While everyone else was getting their instruments ready, he pulled me back stage and said he had to talk to me. My insides were doing flips. He wouldn't break up with me, would he? I was so nervous, I thought I was going to be sick. What did he want to talk about? This can't be good!

Once we got back stage I whispered, "What did you need to talk about?"

He said nothing. He simply cupped my face gently in his hands, and leaned down and gave me the most perfect kiss ever. It was soft and sweet at first, then he added in tongue. And it was perfect! Not slobbery, or messy, or even awkward! I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but it didn't matter because it just worked. It was absolutely amazing. While he was kissing me, it felt like I was watching a cheesy romance movie. Everything happened in slow motion. I will remember that kiss for the rest of my life. The rest of the day I was literally walking on air. I had a huge smile on my face and NOTHING could ruin my good mood.

I was in love. And I just had my first kiss. My first, amazing kiss. And it was gooooood!

And to this day, Ryan was the best damn kisser I've ever had. Ever. I could make out with that boy for HOURS. (And we did, in fact. I remember having chapped lips numerous times even after the obsessive chap stick applications!) Maybe my memories are so good because I really didn't know any different. He was the only person I'd kissed at that point. But it doesn't matter because I wouldn't trade the memory of a perfect first kiss for anything.

Thank you, Ryan. Wherever you are.

Oh, P.S. Ryan has a sister the same age as my little sister. And they are graduating from the same high school this spring. Maybe I will run into him?! Hmmm...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Skinny Bitch

I've always been chubby. Always. Well, last year I decided I was sick of being overweight and I was going to do something about it. No more excuses. I weighed around 181 pounds (probably a little more) and at 5'7" I was uncomfortable in my own body.

It's been a year now, and I'm down 30 pounds. My BMI is "normal" instead of "overweight." I want to lose at least 10 more pounds before summer. This past year has been HARD. I've had to log all my calories, work my ass off in the gym, cry, bleed, cry some more, and exhaust myself physically and emotionally. If you've never been overweight (not the, "I want to lose 5 pounds before bikini season," that doesn't count. I mean honestly overweight. As in your BMI says so.) then you don't understand how hard losing weight is. But whatever, I did it the right way, no diet pills, no "quick fixes", just time and hard work.

I have this friend who is obese. She's tried to lose weight before, but she tried "quick fixes" like only eating salad (didn't last long) or diet pills, or diet shakes. But she never sat down and logged her calories, changed the crap foods she was eating, and exercised. So obviously she never lost weight. But throughout my "journey" if you want to call it that, I've leaned on her for support. Nobody knows about the highs & lows of losing weight better than a fellow fat girl, right?

Except she wasn't very supportive. At all.

When I just needed to vent about a stall in my weight loss, or about being sore, she would lecture me about what I was doing "wrong" and tell me all about the "right" things to do, because she obviously knew it all. I just wanted support. I didn't want to hear all about this new diet you heard of and I should be doing x/y/z instead of what I'm doing now.

And when I did lose weight, and was excited. She didn't really seem to care. I wasn't expecting a party or for her to jump for joy...but a simple "way to go" would have been nice.

So this friend got the Lap Band surgery in December. She still eats crap foods-just less of them. (Does only eating 1/4 of a cheeseburger instead of vegetables really make you healthier?) And doesn't really exercise. And yet, she's lost 25 pounds IN.ONE.MONTH. (and it took me almost a year to lose that much.) And does she remind me of it every single day? Oh yeah. And it's driving me nuts.

Look, I was overweight too. Just because I wasn't as obese as her doesn't mean I didn't work my ass off losing this weight. And no offense, I know she had to go through a surgery and everything, but shouldn't she have at least tried losing weight with counting calories/exercise before she had a surgery? (She didn't) I know for some people this surgery saved their lives, and it really WAS their ONLY option. Not true for her. She's just lazy. I'm glad she's losing weight, but she can't expect me to be supportive when she wasn't there for me.

But I guess I will continue to be there for her because losing is weight is hard work, no matter how you do it. And there are far too many obese people in this country.

Now, go eat your veggies!

Thursday, January 8, 2009


So today I was hanging out on the treadmill reading my new issue of Glamour (who doesn't love reading about the same "new" sex moves every other month? But hey, at least it's a step-up from Cosmo. Back off.)

Anyway, as I was running along (okay that's a lie, I was fast walking.) I noticed an ad for Oscar Mayer's deli creations flat bread sandwiches. And printed under a giant picture of one of these sandwiches was...


What the hell? What is so special about these stupid sandwiches (which you microwave, BTW. Gross.) that they think they are blogworthy? I think this may have been the stupidest ad I've seen in a long time. But Oscar Mayer must employ sneaky bastards because I just blogged about how stupid this ad was and their nasty sandwiches got some promotion.

I will leave you with this...

Reading further on in my Glamour, I found a poll of 1,013 men. One question was, "Would you rather be 5'2" tall with a seven inch penis OR 6'2" tall with a three inch penis?"

Guess what the results were?

68% of men picked 5'2" with a seven inch penis.
32% of men picked 6'2" with a three inch penis.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I was up for a couple hours last night. And since I had nothing better to do (other than eat Twizzlers and milk at 3am, classy) I starting thinking about my future.

And that scared the crap out of me!

You see, I have no freaking clue what to do with my life. For starters, I work at a decent job that pays the bills. However, if I were single, I would be broke-ass poor. The only reason I'm living a middle-class life right now is because of the boyfriend. I need to decide if I am going to go back to school or just find another job (hopefully one I actually like because I will have a mental breakdown if I stay at my current job another few years. I will grow fangs and bite people's head's off. Literally. Don't believe me? You've never been to my job...)

And secondly, is my boyfriend the guy I'm supposed to be with? As in forever? I still don't really know. I do know that love isn't everything. And sometimes I think I am with him because he is a good, stable guy and I think we could have a nice marriage. But sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on a tear-your-clothes-off, IwantyouNOW kind of relationship. Will I regret staying with him when I'm 40 and in a passionless marriage? Will that happen? Where the HELL is a forture teller when you need one! Ugh!

I need to take my life one day at a time. The big picture scares the crap out of me. It's not like I'm getting married tomorrow. (I'm not even engaged!) I guess I have time to decide if this is THE guy for me. But I do need to light a fire under my ass and decide on school.

Which reminds me...what the f*ck would I major in?!? And did I mention I am 23, not 19! I should have this shit figured out by now!

It's times like this when I hate being on a diet because I can't drown my liver in some (tons of) vodka! Alcohol always makes being an adult much easier, or at least, more fun!

But seriously, if someone can just tell me who I am going to marry, and what to do about my career I will pay you. Just not a lot. I'm poor, remember?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Letter to H

Dear H,

I know we've been through a lot together. I met you back when I was 17 and we became instant friends. We spent way too many nights wanding around Walmart at 2am since we were minors and there was nothing better to do. We shared our first bar experience together. (Even though you were only 20 at the time and we had to use some mad ninja skills to sneak you in!) You were there when I met Brian the first time. You were there when I fell in love, and when he crushed my heart. I was there when you lost your V-card. Remember the blizzard? How we got snowed in and needed help from some strange guy to get us out? And when we went on our road trip "to find the moon." And all those days fishing on "our dock."

I could go on and on. But the truth is, things aren't the same anymore. We barely speak. You said you would never change yourself for a guy. You didn't understand how a girl would want to be with a man 24/7. I said it was because you had never been in love.

Well guess what?! You fell in love, and then you changed. You became obsessed with him and being with him. Everything else in your life fell aside. I get it. I've been there. But then on 12/31/07 I met this new guy. You asked my HONEST opinion of him. I wouldn't lie to you. Maybe I should have. I told you that you could do better.

That was the beginning of the end.

You stopped talking to me. You didn't tell me when you got pregnant 2 months later, or when you got engaged one month after that. I found out on Myspace. How pathetic! I will never forgive you for not including me in your life. So what if I didn't like him?! I was you BEST FRIEND and I didn't want to lose you over him! I would have stood by you.

Sure, I've seen you twice in the last year, You were 7 months pregnant. It was weird. Things weren't the same. We both knew that. I drove 3 hours to be at your baby shower and you BARELY spoke to me. That's when I gave up trying. I wish we could fix our friendship. But I think things are too far gone by now. You have a daughter, I've never met her. This isn't how I pictured things. I love you still. You were a good friend to me. But sadly, I think we have both changed too much and all we have is the past.

Goodbye, friend.

Bring in the NEW

Happy 2009!

I figured I needed a new layout for the new year. I hope it worked and looks alright. I'm still new at all this!

New years eve was a disappointment. The bf and I went out to dinner at The Macaroni Grill. It was our first time there and it was yummy! From there, we went to a little bar by our house and it was totally lame. It seemed most people our age went downtown where all the major bars are. We didn't want to deal with that, but I could have used a little more excitement than what we found at this place.
*insert yawn here*
We left at 10:30. Party because the bar was boring, party because the bf was wasted already, and party because he pissed me off because he said I was 24. Um WHAT?! We've been together 2.5 years and you don't know how old I am?! (I'm 23, thankyouverymuch, dumbass!) He didn't think it was a big deal, I did. It still kinda bugs me. Shouldn't my bf know how old I am?! My mom and sister think I am overreacting. I don't know.

Anyway, on New Years Day we headed to my grandma's house for her 70th birthday. That was pretty fun. I heart my grandma. I also got to see my great-grandma who is 93! (almost, in one more month...)

So my new year started off pretty low key. But I have really big plans for 2009. I can feel it--this is going to be a good year. I made two major resolutions this year. One is to lose the rest of this weight (13 pounds) and two is to keep building up my savings/pay off debt. I made the same resolution last year. And I managed to lose 27 pounds and put $200 in my savings (pathetic, I know.) But, at least it's something and I will only build on that this year.

Here's to a great 2009!!