Saturday, November 15, 2008

Prince Charming

My "prince charming" at the moment happens to be a 27 year old balding guy. Oh yeah, and he's shorter than I am. Generally I've always dated really tall guys. Well over 6 feet. But when I met the bf he was funny and had a good personality so I gave him a shot.

We were both pretty fresh from huge break-ups when we met. (No, it wan't a "rebound" we had both casually dated others since the breakups before we got together.) Anyway, I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship. I was still pretty heartbroken over my ex. I really loved him. I would have done anything to please him. Anything. The problem was (and I realize this now) is that he wanted to change me. (Isn't it usually the other way around, a woman trying to change a man?!) Either way, He didn't like my school choice (I was doing veterinary technology at the time) He didn't like me career (I was working at a nursing home) and he didn't like that I'm not very "graceful." You see, the ex worked at a snobby country club. He was the assistant golf pro. So basically, he spent all day teaching rich housewives how to play golf. And he had an image to uphold. And I guess I wasn't good enough for him.

But it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, he was still in college. We would spend all Sunday exploring little resturants and shops. We would stay up all night talking to each other-- We couldn't get enough of each other! We had the same sense of humor, we were always laughing at something. The sex was amazing, everything was amazing. I fell and I fell HARD. He would write me an e-mail every day telling me what he loved about me and how much he loved me. I was so incredibly happy. I had never been that happy in my entire life. Then somewhere along the line, something went wrong. To this day I still don't know what. But his ex gf came back into town, with a fancy degree from New York and I was replaced. Granted, we still LIVED TOGETHER at this point. Nice, right? And my heart shattered.

Now I'm with the current bf and I am happy. I really am. He is a good guy. But I always feel a little...off... because we don't "click" like the ex and I did. Sure, we get along fine, he is funny, he treats me well and is always there when I need him. But deep down, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think I may have gave my ex more of my heart than I'm giving the current bf. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've been hurt so bad before, or if the current bf isn't as good of a match for me.

So, obviously the great relationship I had with the ex crashed and burned and I got screwed. So even though things were amazing for the first couple years, things didn't stay that way. So should I really care if the current bf doesn't make my heart pound as hard as the ex did? I mean, the bf will make a good husband, and father. He has a good stable job, and he honestly does love me. Shouldn't that be enough? Can't we be happy anyway? I think so. However, I don't want to wake up when I'm 70 and realize there was someone else out there for me that WOULD make my heart pound AND not screw me over. Right now, I don't think I can have both...but can I?

The bf and I have been talking marriage for awhile. And I do think we could have a good marriage. We will have a couple kids, and be happy. But there is still a part of me deep down that wonders, "Is that enough?!" I sure hope so. (I do love him. Really.) I've seen so many women in my life get screwed by men, so when it happened to me, I was drawn to the current bf because he was safe.

And the sad thing is...the current bf was with his ex fiancee for 6 years. And sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way about me & her as I do with him & my ex...

Are we just each other's 2nd best? Is he really my prince charming?

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