Saturday, December 6, 2008

Baby...maybe?

Let me start by saying, I am in no way ready for a baby right now. While the bf & I have been together for 2.5 years, we aren't married, and we live in an apartment. I'm also enjoying spending my extra money on cosmetics, shoes, and dinners out. I'm only 23, I have plenty of time to enjoy finding myself before I have to worry about my "clock" ticking and making babies.

Disclaimer: IF I were to get pregnant I would keep the baby. While the bf & I are taking precautions to avoid pregnancy, we would accept an "accident" with open arms.

Anyway, even though I know in my head I'm not ready for a baby, sometimes my heart thinks otherwise. Maybe it's because the bf's brother is having a baby in March. And my best friend just had a little girl on December 2nd. Or maybe it's because my mom is always asking when she will get a grandbaby out of us. Either way, it seems I've had babies on the brain a lot lately.

I've been on the pill since I was 17. (6+ years) I don't know what my "normal" cycle is anymore. (I do remember I was very irregular back then.) I'm starting to get nervous that by the time we do start trying to get pregnant, we won't be able to. Not that I plan on waiting too long...but I'm still worried something will go wrong. And I know there is always adoption or other options. But honestly, I want to have my own, natural pregnancy. That is something that, as a woman, I want to experience. And I pray to God that it happens for me. I've never dreamt of having a huge family. But I've always planned on having 2 children and being the best damn mom I can be for them.

Obviously I won't know until we actually start trying if there is even a problem at all. Going off the pill isn't an option because that's too risky right now. We're not even engaged...

I just wish I knew that everything was going to be okay and I will be able to have my own pretty babies when the time is right. The worry is starting to drive me nuts.

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