Dante

Here is the new puppy at my mom's house. He is 7 weeks old. His name is Dante and he is 3/4 lab and 1/4 pitt bull. I love him. It makes me want a puppy soooo bad!!! Stupid apartment not letting me have one! Boo! :(

I can't wait until I can get a puppy of my own!!!

Heaven

I used to go to church when I was younger. I actually liked going to church. Then something happened and I grew up. I wanted to sleep in on Sundays, or spend time with my boyfriend, whatever. For the most part, my faith has stayed the same. I went through a really dark period in my life when I was a late teen, and I questioned my faith then, but I think deep down I always believed in God.

I should find a church down here... I should start going again...

My boyfriend doesn't "really" believe in God. He believes science more.

I think deep down that bothers me.

***
Back in March I got a call at 3am from my little sister. I knew right away it was bad news. She told me that our 16 year old brother had over-dosed on Tylenol & Advil (about 75 pills total) and was in the hospital.

WTF do you do when you get news like that?!

I remember calling my boss (yes, at 3am) and telling her I was going home for an emergency and I wouldn't be at work the rest of the week. I remember driving the 3 hour trip home trying to see the road between my tears. I remember shaking so bad and feeling like I was going to puke at any moment. And I remember asking God to keep my brother safe.

My family spent 3 days in the hospital waiting to hear if my brother ruined his liver, and if it was going to function. I can still smell the hospital, taste the jello my mom forced me to eat. And I remember the stupid bunnies all over my brothers room. He was a minor, he was in the children's ward.

That was a horrible week.

We thought he was better. He cried, told us he was so sorry for putting us all through this. He got a therapist, and life went back to normal.

Until the day after Christmas...

My phone rang at 3am. I just knew. I didn't even answer my phone, I just knew it was my brother and something bad happened to him.

It was my sister again, telling my our brother sent out "goodbye messages" and wasn't answering his phone. She was babysitting, my mom was at work. They had no choice but to call the police. My mom told them to bust down the door if they had to. (After the "incident" in March my mom locked up all the pills in a safe. But he's 17 now, how hard is it to really get some tylenol?!)

The police showed up, busted down the door, and my brother wasn't there.

The police searched for him for 5 hours. I searched for him for 4. From 3:30-7:30am my boyfriend and I drove around looking for my brother. We got stopped by the police THREE times. I guess we looked suspicious driving around at 4am, huh?

The police found him and brought him to the hospital. He got relesed yesterday. He says he is "fine." No one believes him. But in MN, he's old enough to refuse hospital care, and a therapist.

I don't know if my brother is okay or not. I don't know how much longer he will be alive. I am drained, my whole family is drained. We can't keep going through this. I want to smack him and knock some sense into him, I want to help him, ANYTHING. My hands are tied.

***

I believe in heaven. I have to. Life if too f*cking hard to live without the hope that there's a God and Heaven. I just hope my brother doesn't go there anytime soon.

Please, God.

Sweet 16

It was my little sister's sweet 16 party last Saturday. Her party was supposed to be from noon until 4pm. I got a text around 5pm saying, "nobody came."

That little text was like a punch in my gut. My sister isn't the most popular, but I thought she had a few friends anyway. She invited 5 people. Two of them said they were too busy shopping and, "lost track of time." (bullshit) Two others, who are sisters, said their sister's party was the same day (it was) and the time got changed at the hotel because they had to go with their mom to check in. This is the only story I believe. The last girl that was invited? She never called, never texted, nothing. Just didn't show. Nice. 16 year olds can be real bit*hes sometimes! I felt horrible for her. I called her and did all I could to tell her that high school is so lame anyway, and she doesn't need friends who treat her that way, blah blah blah. But the fact of the matter is, nobody came to her 16th birthday party and I'm pretty sure that will hurt her for a very long time.

Speaking of family, I am heading home to spend Christmas with the family tomorrow. I'm half way excited. There is always drama which I would like to avoid this year if possible. My brother got a puppy last night. His name is Dante. He is a black lab/pitt bull mix. So at least I will get a new puppy to love on while I'm there!!

I got my present from my boyfriend last night. It was a Sony digital camera with a 3.5" touchscreen! It's pretty cool, much better than my 2 year old Kodak POS. So hopefully I will get some great pictures of Dante! :)

I'm praying I don't gain any weight over the next 4 days. But there will be lots of food and booze (as always!) I'm down about 27-28 pounds now. And I'm so scared of gaining it back. I know an extra cookie and glass of egg nog won't make me gain 28 pounds back. But I've worked so hard to lose that weight and I just want to make sure I keep it off. Hell, I've still got another 13 pounds to lose before I make my final goal. (although it shouldn't be too hard to keep my calories low at the bf's mom/dad's house. I don't really like the food they make anyway so I can get away with only eating a little bit of it "because of my diet." hehe)

Merry Christmas!!!

Thursday Confessions #1

I've seen this before on other blogs, so I thought I would give it a shot!

• I am glad my bf has a work party tonight so I have the apartment to myself.
• I don't think I could ever have a broken heart again. Why? Because my heart isn't whole to begin with. The ex shattered it and it never totally recovered.
• I love my cats a little too much. Case in point...

• I had a rather steamy sex dream about one of the guys I used to date last night. And that is funny because he was bad in bed. I mean bad bad. But in this dream it was quite the opposite!
• I facebook stalk my bf's ex fiance sometimes. But hey, she was the one who wanted to be my "friend" so whatever.
• I think of all sorts of witty things to blog about at work, but blogger is blocked at work, so I can never post it. And then I forget what I was going to write about in the first place.

Scrooge

I've been receiving numerous Christmas cards in the mail lately. All of them written to...

T & D *insert boyfriend's last name here*

We are NOT married. And I don't know why OUR FRIENDS WHO KNOW THIS send us mail addressed to us as if we were. He has his own last name, and so do I! When I sent Christmas cards, I sent it with both last names on it if the couple wasn't married. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. I am my own person, I have my own name. Don't get lazy and tack on the boyfriend's last name to me. Until he gets the balls to ask me to marry him, I am not to be addressed as his wife, his Mrs, or D *boyfriend's last name* period. Thank you.

At work today they were collecting money to buy my boss a Christmas gift. I was told by my co-workers that it is optional. After all, we know money is tight, and if someone can't afford the $20 they were asking for, they shouldn't have to. Right?

I guess not.

Listen folks, I am poor. And I don't really like my boss to begin with. So IF I had an extra $20 sitting around I would spend it on my own family thankyouverymuch. But I figured, I had a $5 bill in my wallet, I could at least give that, right? They wouldn't TURN DOWN what I could afford?

Again, I guess not.

A nurse came out with a list with every one's name on it and she crossed you off if you gave her $20. She came up to me IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE OFFICE and asked me why I hadn't given her the money yet. I felt on the spot, so I replied, "I only have $5 on me. I will gladly give that to you right now. It must have slipped my mind." She then said, "$5 isn't enough. We are asking for TWENTY. If you don't have the cash, write me a check instead." I said that I'm a little short on cash this year...I stumbled around...I was put on the spot! My God I needed to fork over $20 to the crazy woman or I was afraid she would change my name badge to "cheap ass" or something! So she got all pissed and said, "Fine. Write a check for half the amount, you CAN afford $10 right?!"

All I could do was slink away and give her the check for $10.

Now look, I don't want to be cheap. It is the season for giving. But I'm a single girl (bf and I don't combine finances obviously) and times are tight right now. Wouldn't you take the damn $5 I offered and be done with it? I can't believe how RUDE she was. Obviously her mom never taught her that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Thankfully my co-workers said she was pushy and b*tchy as soon as she left and I shouldn't have been pressured into donating to a supposedly "optional" gift collection. Whatever.

Needless to say, I felt horrible the rest of the day. Like I'm a bad person or something.

Bah Hum Bug!!!!!!!!

Girlfriends

I need new girlfriends. The bf and I moved about 3 hours away from our families/friends about 1.5 years ago. It's close enough that we can easily drive home for a long weekend, but it's far enough away that we don't see them every month.

Most of my friends who stayed "up north" are now married, with 1-2 children. They have no interest in travel, careers, or the newest electronics. Their lives are a lot simpler than mine. (I graduated with a class of 40 some students. It's a tiny town with a small-town way of life and narrow views.) I don't want to sound like a snob, but I wouldn't be happy staying there. I wanted more from my life.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. My point is, I don't have anything in common with these women anymore. We've drifted apart. Not only that, but they all live 3 hours away and it's not like I can call them up last minute on a Friday night and ask them to go to happy hour, ya know?

I work with women all old enough to be my mother/grandmother. I'm sorry, but I can't really be "friends" with these women either. And while the bf and I do go out with some guys he works with and their gfs/wives every now and then, I'm not close to these women. Who would have thought it would be so hard to meet new friends?! I've always met my friends at school or work. And now that I don't have that option, I'm finding it really hard to make a good, close network of girlfriends.

I'm getting pretty lonely. But how in the heck do I meet people?! I can't really walk up to someone in the bookstore and say, "Will you be my friend?" Wow. Lame.

Baby...maybe?

Let me start by saying, I am in no way ready for a baby right now. While the bf & I have been together for 2.5 years, we aren't married, and we live in an apartment. I'm also enjoying spending my extra money on cosmetics, shoes, and dinners out. I'm only 23, I have plenty of time to enjoy finding myself before I have to worry about my "clock" ticking and making babies.

Disclaimer: IF I were to get pregnant I would keep the baby. While the bf & I are taking precautions to avoid pregnancy, we would accept an "accident" with open arms.

Anyway, even though I know in my head I'm not ready for a baby, sometimes my heart thinks otherwise. Maybe it's because the bf's brother is having a baby in March. And my best friend just had a little girl on December 2nd. Or maybe it's because my mom is always asking when she will get a grandbaby out of us. Either way, it seems I've had babies on the brain a lot lately.

I've been on the pill since I was 17. (6+ years) I don't know what my "normal" cycle is anymore. (I do remember I was very irregular back then.) I'm starting to get nervous that by the time we do start trying to get pregnant, we won't be able to. Not that I plan on waiting too long...but I'm still worried something will go wrong. And I know there is always adoption or other options. But honestly, I want to have my own, natural pregnancy. That is something that, as a woman, I want to experience. And I pray to God that it happens for me. I've never dreamt of having a huge family. But I've always planned on having 2 children and being the best damn mom I can be for them.

Obviously I won't know until we actually start trying if there is even a problem at all. Going off the pill isn't an option because that's too risky right now. We're not even engaged...

I just wish I knew that everything was going to be okay and I will be able to have my own pretty babies when the time is right. The worry is starting to drive me nuts.

I am the best girlfriend EVERRRR!

Alright, I'll admit to being moody sometimes and I refuse to do dishes so I make him do them. And so what if I forget to feed the cats?! I know he does it every morning...I figure if they got really famished, they would come gnaw at my leg or something. Then I would feed them. No harm done.

But I also do good things for him. I try to give him some sort of fruit to take to work everyday. And I try to sneak as many veggies in his dinner as possible. I also give him his vitamin every night before bed. OH.MY.GOD. I'm more of his mother.

Anyway, since the bf has been awfully sweet the past few days (he even put up the Christmas tree without my asking-aka nagging- him to) I decided to be a good gf and give him a little treat.

I put on a little lacy number and I broke out of the "typical routine" and we had some adult fun smack dab in the middle of the living room. And when we were done? I had freaking warm (right out of the oven) brownies ready! He went to bed one happy man.

It feels good to remember why we are together in the first place. And that no, I am in fact NOT his mother.

Anyway, it's FRIDAY today. Woohoo!! And pay-day Friday! Of all magical Fridays, pay-day Friday has got to be the best. It may be weird, but there is something about seeing that money in my checking account. Even though it gets spent right away on bills, it still feels good to "see" it there.

And for a closing, I have a confession...

My bf doesn't know about this blog. And I hope to keep it that way.

Thanksgiving

It's almost Thanksgiving. That means lots of food and lots of family. Neither one of those things are good for my diet! But I've decided to really enjoy this holiday this year. And I will be thankful for everything good in my life. I have a roof over my head. I have a bf who loves me. I have three fur-babies I love. I've lost 26 pounds. I have a job with no sign of lay-offs in this crazy economy. And lastly, I have my health.

I work with a woman who was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. After chemo and radiation, the tumor hasn't shrunk at all, and now it looks like it is spreading to her lungs. She is single, and lives her life for her dog. Her dog recently had puppies, which was one of the highlights of her life. Unfortunately, do this recent news, she was unable to care for the puppies and had to give them to her friend to raise. In her time of greatest need, she can't even have her dog with her. It broke my heart.

This woman is so strong. I can't believe how well she is holding up. If I were in her shoes, well, I really don't know what I would do. I've never been told I only have a few months to live. So I can't even imagine what she's going through. She is handling it very well. She does say she is scared, but who wouldn't be?! She even comes to work 2 days a week. In her darkest hour, she is still working. She craves a sense of normalcy. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be working. But she says she wants to live as "normal" as possible.

When I think my life is bad, I will always look up to this woman. I will be thankful for everything I have in my life. She has touched me forever. I hope the rest of her life is full of peace and happiness.

I just wish it didn't take cancer to open my eyes to how lucky I actually am...

Stupid Friends

I think my boyfriend's best friend is a total idiot.

He is 30 years old and acts 15, tops. But being the amazing girlfriend I am (Haha) I put up with him. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Pretend to like your SO's friends because they are important to him and blah blah. So I ignore it when he comes to MY home and finds it hilarious to fart and stink the place up. I also ignore it when makes inappropriate comments about attractive women. And I will pretend I don't notice when he helps himself to anything in the fridge. (Which includes 6 or 7 beers every time he comes over. Does he ever bring any?! Nope.)

Whatever. I have bigger problems than this guy so I let it roll off my back.

However, this is where the story changes.

About a month ago, This friend, "K" called the bf on Saturday night. He asked what we were doing for the football game the following day. We said we were staying home and doing nothing. The bf asked K if he was planning on coming over to watch the game. K said, "no."

So we go on about our night, and I decide not the worry about cleaning since nobody was coming over the following day, I figured I would worry about it tomorrow.

It's now Sunday at 11:45am. The game starts in 15 mins. K calls and asks if he can come over and watch the game. I said no. I wasn't showered yet, the house wasn't clean, and I only had 15 mins to accomplish all of this?! I'm not Superwoman. (And no, I'm not someone who enjoys friends "popping by" unannounced. I like my home in proper order before someone comes over, even if that means a quick vacuum.) And besides, if he wanted to come over, he should have said so on Saturday night when the bf asked him. Or at the very least, call and give me an hour notice or SOMETHING so I could have taken a shower and gotten dressed.

This was the first time I said no to K coming over, mind you.

Apparently, this royally pissed off K. He called one of our mutual friends and told her that I don't like him and don't want him at my house and I never want the bf hanging out with him ever again.

Hold on, what?! I NEVER said any of that!!! I think I'm allowed to say "no company" every now and then, right? So to make a VERY long story short, K got all bent out of shape, told our other friends a load of bulls*it and got them mad at me as well. OVER NOTHING. The bf called K and "set him straight" and also told the other friends that I didn't do any of what K is claiming. Did it matter? Nope. Not one of these people have spoken to me since then. (Except for one IM saying, "D, I can't believe you are trying to break up their friendship! How dare you!"

Obviously. the bf and K are still friends. They are together right now, at K's place. In one way, I'm glad I don't have to put up with K anymore. But on the other hand, there was a group of 6 of us (3 couples) who ALWAYS hung out together. And now we can't because K got his feelings hurt and made up LIES. And this is causing major tension in my relationship. The bf just wants K and I to get along, and get over it. I don't think I should have to. If I don't want someone like that in my life, I shouldn't have to "pretend" to like him anymore! Only problem is, he's still the bf's best friend. And oh yeah, K and his gf live in the same apartment complex as us!

I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders how the bf could possibly WANT to be friend's with someone like that. And I want to make him choose, K or me. But obviously I'm mature enough to know that isn't possible and you have to compromise when you're in a relationship.

In times like this, I wish I were single.

155, Check!

Way back in January, I told myself that I would be 155 lbs by 12/25. Well, the scale has read 155.1 for the past two days now. So I made my goal, and a month early to boot. I thought I would have been happier when I reached this weight. I don't really feel any different. I have a pair of size 10 pants I need to fit into, and I'm not there yet. I'm hoping I can fit into them when I lose the next 5 pounds. I'm sure that will feel way better than hitting 155 on the scale.

I went to Target today to buy the 30 day shred DVD and they were sold out. So I guess I'll look around or just order it off Amazon. I've heard it's a tough workout, and I need something to kick my butt to get the rest of this weight off.

I'm watching the biggest loser right now. They lose 7-8 pounds a WEEK and it's taken me this long to lose 25 pounds! It makes me feel frustrated. Granted, I don't have a personal chef nor do I have 7 hours a day to workout. But still, I want to be done losing weight and move on to maintaining it!!

Oh, and I learned that a baby red potato has 110 calories in ONE of them! That's insane! They are so little! Oh well, they are pretty filling. But damn! They are really calorie dense! I gues you really do learn something new every day!

Prince Charming

My "prince charming" at the moment happens to be a 27 year old balding guy. Oh yeah, and he's shorter than I am. Generally I've always dated really tall guys. Well over 6 feet. But when I met the bf he was funny and had a good personality so I gave him a shot.

We were both pretty fresh from huge break-ups when we met. (No, it wan't a "rebound" we had both casually dated others since the breakups before we got together.) Anyway, I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship. I was still pretty heartbroken over my ex. I really loved him. I would have done anything to please him. Anything. The problem was (and I realize this now) is that he wanted to change me. (Isn't it usually the other way around, a woman trying to change a man?!) Either way, He didn't like my school choice (I was doing veterinary technology at the time) He didn't like me career (I was working at a nursing home) and he didn't like that I'm not very "graceful." You see, the ex worked at a snobby country club. He was the assistant golf pro. So basically, he spent all day teaching rich housewives how to play golf. And he had an image to uphold. And I guess I wasn't good enough for him.

But it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, he was still in college. We would spend all Sunday exploring little resturants and shops. We would stay up all night talking to each other-- We couldn't get enough of each other! We had the same sense of humor, we were always laughing at something. The sex was amazing, everything was amazing. I fell and I fell HARD. He would write me an e-mail every day telling me what he loved about me and how much he loved me. I was so incredibly happy. I had never been that happy in my entire life. Then somewhere along the line, something went wrong. To this day I still don't know what. But his ex gf came back into town, with a fancy degree from New York and I was replaced. Granted, we still LIVED TOGETHER at this point. Nice, right? And my heart shattered.

Now I'm with the current bf and I am happy. I really am. He is a good guy. But I always feel a little...off... because we don't "click" like the ex and I did. Sure, we get along fine, he is funny, he treats me well and is always there when I need him. But deep down, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think I may have gave my ex more of my heart than I'm giving the current bf. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've been hurt so bad before, or if the current bf isn't as good of a match for me.

So, obviously the great relationship I had with the ex crashed and burned and I got screwed. So even though things were amazing for the first couple years, things didn't stay that way. So should I really care if the current bf doesn't make my heart pound as hard as the ex did? I mean, the bf will make a good husband, and father. He has a good stable job, and he honestly does love me. Shouldn't that be enough? Can't we be happy anyway? I think so. However, I don't want to wake up when I'm 70 and realize there was someone else out there for me that WOULD make my heart pound AND not screw me over. Right now, I don't think I can have both...but can I?

The bf and I have been talking marriage for awhile. And I do think we could have a good marriage. We will have a couple kids, and be happy. But there is still a part of me deep down that wonders, "Is that enough?!" I sure hope so. (I do love him. Really.) I've seen so many women in my life get screwed by men, so when it happened to me, I was drawn to the current bf because he was safe.

And the sad thing is...the current bf was with his ex fiancee for 6 years. And sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way about me & her as I do with him & my ex...

Are we just each other's 2nd best? Is he really my prince charming?

Like a virgin

Yes, it's true. This is my first blog EVER! *gasp* It seems everyone and their mother has a blog by now...except me. Don't get me wrong, I love reading blogs. But I feel so naked writing one of my own. But hell, it's cheaper than therapy, right? So I thought, "Why not?!"

I'm 23 years old and have been through a lot of crap so far. I don't know my dad, never have. I've only recently begun talking to my mom after years of us not getting along, and our relationshp is still strained to say the least. I have three 1/2 siblings. (2 sisters, 1 brother, all younger.) I have 3 cats, and I want a puppy but I SWEAR I'm not crazy. :) I hate my job and I live with my boyfriend of Two & half years. I love good coffee, photography, and IKEA. There. That about sums me up.

I've been trying to lose weight. (Who hasn't been, right?!) I promised myself on Christmas of 07 that by Christmas 08 I would be 25 pounds thinner. Well, it's November 14th and I'm down 24 pounds. So obviously I feel pretty good that I will meet my goal. I would like to be down 30 pounds if I can make it. I'm really sick of "losing weight." It's constantly on my mind. I'm so sick of feeling so f-ing guilty for eating a damn doughnut I could scream! But I have no choice but to keep plugging along. I'll get there eventually...

My life is so far from what I pictured it would be at 23. I still feel like I have no clue who I am as a person. I really hope I can figure that out sooner rather than later!