Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Life as I see it...

Well, I guess life is back to "normal" around here. Ha.

My brother was in the hospital for a few days after his "incident." He came home after a few counseling sessions and said he was better. Nobody really believes him, but the doctors released him and we can't force him into therapy. I've talked to him a couple times this week and he does seem back to normal...but I won't believe it. This was the 3rd time within one year. I'm so tired of going to bed every night and wondering if I will get a call at 3am that my brother is gone for good. I can't deal with this anymore. He refuses to get help, he won't talk to any of us. There is nothing I can do. And that is really hard to swallow...

In other news, I bought a heart rate monitor, because I am a fat cow, and I hope it will help me push myself harder when I'm working out. Except getting in a great workout won't help me with the whole fat cow thing...I need to get my eating under control. The past week I've been averaging 1800 calories a day. Which isn't enough to make me gain any weight (I burn around 2100-2200 calories a day) but I'm not losing any weight either. I'm just so sick of being on a "diet." I can do 1800 calories, no problem. But I just can't seem to stick to 1300 calories anymore! I'm tired and hungry!!

I don't want to make excuses for myself. I know I can do this...I'm just having a REALLY hard time getting back on the wagon again. At least I've been keeping my weight the same, and I haven't been gaining any back. I wish I had someone doing this with me. The bf can eat and eat and LOSE weight. He does NOT exercise...at all. I wish a had a "buddy" IRL to help motivate me. *sigh*

Speaking of people trying to lose weight...I know this guy, we'll call him Fester. (Not his real name, thankfully!) Anyway, Fester used to work with my bf. We've hung out a few times and had a good time. There was/is some chemistry between us. But it's not like either of us would act on it. For one, he is friends with my bf. And two, even though there is some chemistry, I think we both know we would NOT work as an actual couple. So on Friday night we chatted on Facebook and he said that he was the DD for a few girls and wondered if I wanted to go with.

So I went out with him since I may be a little depressed right now and I wanted to get out of the house. We picked everyone up and went to a little bar and enjoyed a nice night out. The people were really nice. I wouldn't mind hanging out with them again.

I didn't get home until 4am. And my bf was royally pissed. And that made me happy. You see, he has NEVER been jealous before. And if he has, well, I've never seen it. It was nice to know that he actually cares about me and got a little jealous when I went out with someone else.

Getting back to the losing weight thing, Fester is trying to lose some weight/tone up. And I wish we could join a gym together or something. But I feel weird bringing it up, and I don't think my bf would like me spending an hour with this guy EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Oh well.

....
...
..
.

I can't shake this funk I'm in. It sucks. I'm even thinking about trying St. John's Wort because I've heard it can help improve mild depression symptoms. (And I don't want to go on an actual anti-depressant...) But I don't know of anyone who's ever taken it before? (Case in point, it's 6:40pm right now and I am so tired I want to go to bed and sleep. I just want to feel normal again...)

1 comment:

Ophelia said...

LOL at the name "Fester"... Sorry about your brother hun. I really wish he would get some professional help :(

I've heard the same thing about St. John's Wort.. about it helping with depression. I've never tried it myself though.